9.10.2011

when God and I are honest


Face in hands, I watch as my tears drip heavy on my wooden floor.  One by one in a silent rain.

"I thought I knew you,"  my own voice sounds distant, strangled, hushed from the burdens it carries, mindful of the wounded pride it hints at.

"Oh, God, you know I said I'd give you everything, you know I promised to sacrifice it all.  But I never thought it would be like this.  Even when you came and took so much I held closest, leaving me mourning the loss of another dream of ministry, a loss of yet another pregnancy, an awakening in a cold hospital room without the comfort of my husband beside me, him being over a hundred miles away and working long hours and seven days a week.  You stripped me of all my security, yet why do I still feel you have rejected all I have surrendered to you?"

My angry words too hastily said now sit in the thick air between us.  I hold my breath, and your truth is here, as surely as I fill my lungs with it.

What sacrifice could I possibly give that would be acceptable to you?

You whisper truth and bring tender freedom, the truth I've always known yet somehow find myself forgetting:  there is no sacrifice but one.

One without sin, without blame, without stain of any kind.  One pure sacrifice made for...me.  His life for mine.  The Son of God, the only perfect Son of Man. 

And now He stands in my stead.

Jesus is ALL I have.

"There is no more that I could give to gain your acceptance now.  Of all the things I do, of all I give away to you, of all I say, or think, or am, to somehow earn your favor-- 

The only thing I have that you accept is Jesus.

The only thing you ask is that I LET HIM BE FOR ME WHAT I CANNOT.

And it really is that simple and yet that hard to grasp.

I am nothing.

But oh, how my Christ is everything!

And when you look at me, God, that is WHO you see and that is WHY you will always accept me."

14 comments:

Southern Gal said...

These words pierce my heart. He paid it all. He is all we need. Amen. Praying for you, sweet friend.

Sarita Boyette said...

I don't know what I would do without Him! I have read your blog for a while, but I don't think I have commented. I enjoy seeing your activities with your children & I love looking at your store. I also wanted to let you know how sorry I am for the losses of your children. It is a heart wrenching feeling. I have had a loss, too. I have you in my prayers. (((HUGS)))

Kristin said...

Praying for you, Joye. Love you :)

Leslie @ top of the page said...

this morning i've been reading a book called Discipleship, the Glad Surrender by Eliz. Elliot. Nothing is easy about this life and our daily surrender to the Lord. But I am reminded today it is the means by which we become ourselves, and find our deepest joy and peace. May God give us courage. With you, sister.

Kelly said...

by your beautiful words, i know you know that the lord will carry you through.
Jeremiah 29:11 praying for you!

Lauren said...

thank you for your honesty! I am so sorry for your loss... again... heartbreaking!

Lisa Marie said...

I absolutely love when you write like this! It makes me catch by breath as tears stream down my face. It helps me remember what I (and most of us) forget on a daily basis, with our hectic lives.

I remember when I first stumbled upon your blog and felt this way after reading that day's post, so inspirational. Thank you for sharing your spiritual heart, it truly means a lot to me...positive influence, gentle reminders and such beautiful words are such treasures!

Theresa Miller said...

Beautiful words and truths. Praying with you!

Kelly said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Praying so much for you, dear friend!

Mich said...

What a powerful post. Thanks for always sharing your heart.

Beautiful picture.

Coby said...

This is beautiful and piercing. Thank you for sharing your heart! Praying for you, sweet Joye!

BARBIE said...

Beautiful and heatfelt. Lifting you up in prayer!

Lisa Grace said...

As always, powerful. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your heart.

ricebabies said...

I am so sorry. I haven't been by, summer kept me busy. You are in my prayers.

I have been studying Romans, always a good book to turn too.

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