5.01.2011

pedicures and post-op


The day before my d & c procedure at the hospital, I got a pedicure (and I would have posted the picture, but I think you've seen enough of my toes on this blog).

I wanted at least one thing to look nice and neat and "put together" because I was almost certain I would fall apart.

So even though I had to wear one of those backwards hospital gowns that make you look like a lumpy bed sheet and feel even worse--at least, at least-- I could stare at my perfectly manicured toes and feel comforted to know there is still a woman underneath all this drab.

And it wasn't all dreary.  The peace of God was there in that pre-op room with me.  In the gentle looks from my husband and his horribly bad jokes, and in the prayers of our dear friend Ruth who showed up at the hospital unexpectedly and whose presence was deeply, deeply appreciated.

It wasn't until after I woke up in the recovery room, still groggy from anesthesia and the nurse blew out a vein while she worked quickly to take my blood, that the tears started coming.  And I hate crying in front of people I don't know.  Especially over things they probably think to be silly. Which probably made me cry even more.

There's something that happens to us women whose wombs are filled with life only to lose it.  It's a lonely feeling.  A disconnect.  A body awash in hormones suddenly drained.  There's this need to find a a rock to crawl under and hide and nurse our wounds.  But life and time march on and we are needed in it's ranks.  

And even an empty vessel can now be filled afresh.

I see the bowl of heaven tipping, grace flowing slow and thick like honey.

I'm impatient to brim again with it's sweetness, but these drizzles of heaven's bounty won't be rushed.

I'm content just watching it flow, just tasting His Goodness again, one drop at a time.

For only you can fill me, Lord.
............................................................................

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you beautiful women of God and friends that I love for all your prayers!  They have brought me so much comfort!

25 comments:

Fiona said...

o sweet Joye! I am so truly sorry. The best thing someone told me when I was heartbroken, and aching to be full again, after my d&c, was to remember that as we grieve, God grieves with us. I would love to hug you in real life.

Mandi said...

Joye, I really feel for you. Having gone through the lose of my first son at 15 weeks(we were blessed enough to be able to deliver him instead of the d&c that was almost pushed on us) I can understand the feeling of an empty womb after life being there before. Praying God continues to give you peace throughout your grief.

Me! said...

Wanted to say i am so sorry for your loss. I too have been there... Compassion was also in the operating room with me as i cried silent tears, this sweet nurse by my side wiped my tears and said it is ok... i am here with you... then i fell asleep:) Who is the real on that wipes our tears and is always with us? Jesus...He made Himself known through this nurse and how sweet it was:)

the lowes said...

this spoke to my heart, and I appreciate the hope with which you wrote, whether you realized it or not. I am battling fear about a second miscarriage, but I know HE is in control. THAT in itself is a blessing. Prayers to you tonight, thanks for sharing your heart.

Sarita Boyette said...

I am very sorry for your loss - it hurts very much, I know. Praying for you. ((HUGS)))

BARBIE said...

I am so sorry. Praying God goes deep to comfort you.

PaisleyJade said...

All my love - I so know that feeling! For one of my miscarriage d&c's I was in there with chipped toenail polish and hairy legs! Soooooooo embarrassed when I realised afterwards (it had all been a bit of a rush). You are super clever to have thought of that!! Sending my love and prayers over the ocean. xoxo

Southern Gal said...

To know the peace and comfort of the Father...
Praying for you, Joye.
Drink deep from that outpouring.

Ashley D. said...

Praying for you, Joye. Today I am thinking of the Laura Story song, "Blessings" while I read this. I think of the chorus, "'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, What if Your healing comes through tears, What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise..." thinking of you.

Natalie said...

Love you, from far away dear friend. Fear not! Be strong and courageous! Much love.

Stephanie said...

Oh Joye...praying for you today.

Rose D., Frenchtown, NJ said...

Joye, I am sending BIG hugs to you from across the miles...Much love and comfort to you...~rose

Kate said...

Oh, Joye, my heart aches so deeply for you yet, rejoices with yours, too. I am so glad you felt "womanly" with your new toes :) Praying for healing and unexpected blessings for you.

September said...

Joye...
My heart has known this ache you are feeling.. and I am praying for you,, dear woman.. child of God.
He is holding you in the palm of His Hand, and is feeling you with His refreshing spirit of comfort.
Take time to heal... and let time and the Word of God heal.
I am thinking of you...
Love to you Sweet Joye.
September
2 Cor. 1 :4

Jenilee said...

praying for you... hugs and prayers lifted up for you Isaiah 43:1-3

Angela said...

Joye,

I love the picture of the bowl of heaven tipping... I pray that you would continue to be filled, especially when you know you need it most.

I am in the ranks with other women who can say, "I know. I have been there," and I salute you for sharing your story so honestly while it is happening. It has taken me many years to do the same, and the healing sure does happen more speedily when I do.

Pouring out your words as you have recently makes more room in your soul for that heaven-honey you spoke of to fill those hurting places.

Keep writing, Joye. We're listening...

Mamasita said...

Sweet Joye,
Sorry I have been away and just got caught up on things.... Please know how loved you are!!! Not only by our precious Jesus, but by so many dear friends!!!
Way to go on the pedicure! You deserved it girl! :-)
Blessings to you love....
Maggie

Rachel~Wildflower Photography and a little bit vintage said...

Sweet Joye...you continue to be in my thoughts and most importantly my prayers. After the lost of my first baby, my mom told me something that gave me the most comfort...she reminded me that our sweet little one is in the arms of Jesus...waiting for us. Hugs!

Mama Duck said...

You are an absolute inspiration. You are so faithful, wise and trusting in your heavenly father. I am encouraged by you :)

Rebekah said...

Sorry you had to go through this, I had to have the same after my first baby, it was a time of great sadness, but God was my comfort and strength as he is to you.
He is the giver of life and even in loss, he brings life to our hearts and souls... bless you. x

Danielle said...

i know the feeling all to well. may you be comforted in the days ahead. blessings. :)

Danielle said...

Joye, even in the midst of pain your words are so beautiful. How they have ministered to my heart today.

Jody said...

This is your brother, I am truly sorry for your loss. YOU ARE BLESSED! Just cursed with me as your brother, just kidding. Joye, you are an artist and you speak from the heart in a way not many people of the world can. I love the photography, love what passages from the bible you choose, your poems are unmatched.

The Boccias said...

This paragraph really spoke to me: "There's something that happens to us women whose wombs are filled with life only to lose it. It's a lonely feeling. A disconnect. A body awash in hormones suddenly drained. There's this need to find a a rock to crawl under and hide and nurse our wounds. But life and time march on and we are needed in it's ranks."
I am in the of process of miscarrying for the second time. It's painful. But this time I have two daughters to take care of, and life really is just marching on. It's hard to know how to feel--must keep a brave face and act completely normal during the day with my girls. Anyway, hugs and prayers for you.

Allie said...

Praying for your heart, dear Joye. God is holding you in the palm of His hand. Much love sent your way.

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