4.16.2009

My Miscarriage and My Miracles

The story of our twins cannot be separated from the story of our precious Zaccheus "Titus".  They are interwoven.  One would not be without the other.  This is the story of our miracles.

In January of 2007 I was five months pregnant with my second child.  I had always wanted my children to be two years apart and I was joyfully anticipating this addition to our family.  I just knew that this baby was a boy and I was immediately drawn to two names:  Zaccheus and Titus.  My pregnancy was wonderful  (don't hate me but I'm one of those women who LOVE being pregnant).  My first pregnancy had been absolutely beautiful--everything I asked the Lord for and I entered into this one with the same wonderful expectations.  

Looking back, I now know when the problems started, but I didn't recognize them then.  I had traveled out of state to visit my grandparents for New Year's and it was there that I began to experience painful side aches.  My pain tolerance is fairly high, though, and I didn't consider the pain to be enough to warrant a doctor's visit and since I was already out of town, I just figured I would see my doctor as soon as I returned home.

I will never forget that visit to the doctor's office.  The nurse came in to check the heartbeat and couldn't find it.  I wasn't worried, I thought fleetingly that maybe she was inexperienced or the baby was lower.  Then the midwife came in and when she couldn't find the heartbeat either a slow realization began to wash over me.  A cold, clammy feeling of fear gripped my heart.  I knew when she looked at me with eyes filled with pity that something was terribly wrong.  She left to order an ultrasound and I was alone in that small sterile room for what seemed like hours.  And I prayed my heart out.  I asked God to revive my baby's heart.  I summoned up all the faith I could muster and I believed that the ultrasound would show life.  It did not.  And no one would just tell me that my baby wasn't alive.  They didn't say a word.  They only gave me instructions on where to go next.  Back to the little room.  Alone.  For what seemed like another hour of tortured silence.  It was just me and my frantic prayers, clinging to my Jesus, desperate for a miracle.

I remember the look on my husband's face when he met me back at home.  The doctor had advised me to return to the hospital to deliver the baby and when we arrived our pastors were already there along with many people in our church family.  A peace came on me in that instant and I knew God was with me.  Joel and I decided that we wanted everyone to pray for a miracle.  We believed that God could cause Titus' heart to leap back to life.  What a tremendous testimony this miracle would be and what glory it would bring to our God!  He could do it!  So we prayed in faith and we fully expected the last ultrasound to reveal our miracle.  It was completely silent.  

The peace that God gave me didn't leave right away, but I was in such a fog of pain that I don't remember much about the delivery.  Only that it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  Giving birth to my first child had been an incredibly joyous experience  (yes, I did actually say that)!  I had a natural birth for my first one and it was amazing to feel my body painfully labor with the purpose of bringing life into this world.  There was so much joyful expectancy that time!  This labor, however, was torturous.  I knew that I was not laboring to bring forth a baby that would nurse at my bre_st, but one that would lie still in my arms.  When they brought us our little Titus, I remember thinking he looked just like his daddy.  A five month old baby with absolutely perfect little fingers and toes and his daddy's nose. 

In that moment, I was overcome by a pain so real and so deep that I didn't know what to do with it.  I wanted to hold my baby longer, but I was scared, so scared, of how much losing him hurt.  I was frightened by the fierceness of the bond I had made with him already in my womb.  I had never felt an emotion this strong and this debilitating before.  I let them take him away.  I still cry when I think about that.  I wish I could have held him just a little longer.  I wish I would have had a proper burial for him.  I wish...

I remember the kind words of the midwife that attended Titus' birth.  Her eyes had held compassion as she told me, "You will make it through this and your faith in God will be stronger.  Somehow I know that your faith will carry you."

My God did carry me.  I ran to him because he is the only one I have ever ran to.  I ran to him with my anger, my questions, and my pain.  "God, why?  Why did you take him when we did everything right?  When we prayed the prayer of faith and asked that he would live in your name?  God, I want to believe in miracles, but how?"

I remember many nights of uncontrollable sobbing and of desperately seeking an answer from God.  And finally, one night I remember him visiting me.  I had been rocking my first born to sleep and as he fell asleep in my arms, the painful longing to hold Titus overwhelmed me once again.  The tears began flowing and my heart was devastated, "Jesus, I've lost my son, my son, my son..."  Then I finally felt the gentle presence of my Savior enter the room.  I felt him kneel beside me and in my mind's eye I saw a flash of his eyes--filled with a pain that mirrored my own, glistening with tears.  

I heard him gently say, "Oh my child, I know the pain you feel.  I understand."  

Without thinking I retorted, "But, God, I lost my son!  How could you understand?"

Then he said something I will never forget,  "Because I had lost my son, too."

And then I felt it.  I felt Jesus take the burden of my pain upon himself.  I felt him mourn for my loss.  I felt his spirit grieving for me like the most faithful friend, the most loyal lover.  And I let him take it.  The pain, the hurt, the ache, the doubt.  He wanted it all.  He didn't want me to carry it.

Does that mean I never mourned again after that?  No, I mourned and I still do.  But it is a different kind of mourning.  It isn't without hope.  It isn't without faith.  It isn't without the knowledge that my Jesus understands.  It isn't without the certainty that I am dearly loved by my Savior and trust that He will always make all things work together for my good.

I am thankful that God let me carry my precious Titus in my womb for five months.  His life was not without purpose.  The miracle of Titus became the miracle of a stronger faith, a closer walk, a deeper comfort in the love of my God.

Six months later, God blessed us with our twins.  Not to replace the one we'd lost, but to bring us restoration.  Again, he was speaking to us, urging us,

 "Trust in ME with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." (Psalm 3:5).
~~*O*~~


***If you have had a miscarriage and are in need of prayer or a listening ear, please feel free to e-mail me at joyefuljourneyATgmailDOTcom.

43 comments:

ServinGsus said...

I think I've gone through like four tissues already, and my kids are looking at me like I'm nuts for crying at the computer. You have such a beautiful faith and your ability to share this experience and to trust God with your heart is an amazing thing. I can't ever imagine surviving that with the grace that you showed, and I thank you for unselfishly ministering to me by sharing your journey through this. God has been speaking to me about "trust Me, even in this" and your blog today has helped me with that step.

Summer said...

Oh Joye....you made me cry with that one...I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but I am happy that it brought you closer to God.

You are a beautiful person...inside and out...I know I've never met you, but I can just tell...Have a spectacular and enriched day.

-Summer

Kristin said...

Joye, I was just sitting here reading your post and the tears were just streaming from my face. I had the TV on the gospel music channel and Natalie Grant's song "Held" came on and I just felt the Lord's presence so strong around me. I am so sorry that you didn't have more time with your sweet Titus.

I wrote a poem the other day from a child's perspective of meeting Jesus if you would like to read it.
http://littlegirlsofmine.blogspot.com/2009/04/invitation.html

I am just so glad that I've met you. Your story is one of such hope. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Love ya,
Kristin

He And Me + 3 said...

That was one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read...I am crying over here. God does know every single one of our pains. Isn't that awesome at that very moment He was able to wrap His arms around you & feel your pain too? His love is amazing & it will carry us through every one of our pains and trials. God is so good.
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story.
Hugs,
Mimi

Kelly said...

Thank you for sharing this. My heart was so blessed by reading how the Lord healed you from this enormous loss!

The Easter pictures of your children are adorable! :)

Tricia said...

What a beautiful and heartfelt testimony of the power of God to comfort us and to heal our broken hearts... it has brought tears to my eyes... thank you so much for being transparent and sharing this... How I praise God that He is the God of all comforts!

And how wonderful that God has now blessed you with precious twin boys! I have twin boys also,and they are such a blessing!

Blessings!

Katie said...

Thanks so much for sharing this.. It is very real and filled with emotion. I have a friend who's baby died around this same month it is very sad. I just didn't know what I could say. Just love her. Thank you for visiting my blog, I can't wait to read about you and your family. Your kids are precious.
In Christ,
Katie <><

Veronica said...

Joye,

Thanks so much for sharing you story. I am so glad we serve a God who loves us and wants us to take all of our hurts to Him. I cannot imagine going through this life without Him. Through it all, God is good!

Sarah from the house of Walls said...

I think I told you about a friend of mine from our church that experienced a similar miscarriage. Their little boy was delivered after they couldn't find a heartbeat and she recently became pregnant again. She was so fearful yet I know she was trusting God. Unfortunately, she lost this little boy as well, around 17-18 weeks. Her blog is: http://hisstorynotmine.blogspot.com/

Kristin said...

Hey Joye! I am so glad that you liked my poem. I just wanted to tell you to check out my earlier post from today....I mentioned you on it! :)

Sarah from the house of Walls said...

http://mbroneyearbible.wordpress.com/2009/04/16/together-in-gods-word-041609-%e2%80%a2-reflections-from-the-one-year-bible/

I remember from a few days ago that you said you used the one year Bible. This is a reflection from Stan Parker with Mission Nebraska. It made me think of you... the fact that in your fervent praying over Titus that it could be percieved as God "not answering" when really, he had a miracle in store for you down the road that you couldn't have anticipated. But of course... no hope deferred on your part! You had faith. Christ will surely find faith in Joye when he returns!

OilGirl said...

Such a beautiful portrait of faith, Joye! The thought that immediately came to my mind when our miracle son was first placed into my arms was John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His ONLY son....you see, my son is the only child I can have. It was such a powerful moment when I realized that God loved me so much that He gave up HIS only son-for me! The reminder of that love continues to overflow my heart when I look into my son's eyes.

Vera said...

Oh Joye...thank you for sharing this - what a beautiful, spirit-filled post. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your Titus is playing with mine, and so many other, babies in Heaven right now! Your other children are precious (and your blog is adorable) - so I'm looking forward to getting to know you more! (Do the 100 things - it's really fun and I'd love to read yours!!)

Mom2Valerie said...

What a sweet, sweet post and a beautiful reminder that our God knows every hurt and pain we go through, because His son suffered for all of our hurts and pains. Thank you so much for sharing!

I'd also like to thank you for your sweet comments on my post about my Etsy shop. I would love to do a little "interview" for your blog. How sweet of you! My email is girlofgrace139@yahoo.com.

Momma Snail said...

Joye, your beautiful testimony as touched my heart. Your sharing this is going to touch so many lives and give comfort to many women who share your story. May God bless you!

Momma K said...

I wish I could say I was sorry and I don't understand...but I do. We just finished the memorial for our second child who has gone home to be with Jesus before either was ever given breath on this earth. I am encouraged by your strength and I pray God will take my pain, though I don't see the chance of restoration for us. We are finished. My heart cannot weather anymore pain from losing children. I long to hold my babies in my arms, but for now I can only hold them in my heart. Thanks for sharing your story.

Lynnette Kraft said...

This story absolutely touched my heart. I'm sorry for your (temporary) loss. What joy to know that we will see our children again. I look forward to that day. Can you imagine?

Thanks for sharing.
Tenderly,
Lynnette

LisaShaw said...

I am hugging you right now through my tears. I thank God for his keeping power. He keeps us during those most incredibly difficult and painful times. Thank you for sharing your heart with us so revealing.

Heather said...

I am crying right now and don't really know what to say other than thank you for sharing this touching story.

Alicia said...

Oh my goodness, Joye!!!

I'm sitting here crying at your post. That was so beautifully written!! I had two miscarriages before my first born, and I know that feeling of "emptiness" when you first find out there is no heartbeat. It's such a surreal, "this can't be happening" kind of feeling.

I can only imagine though, going through the motions of labor. What an awesome God we serve, though. I love how He gently revealed Himself to you that night. How He took your burden, your pain, and sorrow, and left it at the cross.

I'm so blessed by your story!!!!!

Sarah in England said...

Beautiful. Thank you.

Jayme said...

Joye,

Our story almost mimics this post! We lost our baby at almost seven months and it was THE hardest thing I have ever went through, but the most important. Jesus showed us His heart throughout the whole process and helped us through every hurt. I couldn't have done it without Him.

Now, we are adopting a little girl through South Korea. God has led us down this path and we are forever greatful. I have always had a desire for twins. I believe that He gives you the "desires of your heart" and I have a feeling that twins are in our future.

I am so glad to have found your blog and the simularity in our stories is amazing. Thank you for sharing.

Many blessings to you and your family.

Jayme

Pia said...

joye, reading this post got me teary eyed. i remembered when i lost my two sons. i couldn't understand why. i still don't. your testimony gave me hope not just in getting pregnant again (this time giving birth to live children) but also in God restoring my marriage. God has a plan and His plan is perfect. thank you for sharing your wonderful testimony. the test you've gone through became a testimony that brings hope, encouragement and life to our hearts.

More blessings to you and your family, joye.

Sara said...

Wow, that's amazing, I am so sorry for your loss. I, myself, have never had a miscarriage, but my little sister has had several, and several failed IVF's too. She finally has a little baby boy, and while, he was in the NICU (born at 27 weeks) for months, he is home now, and doing well. I can only imagine the pain that she, and you, have gone through. Thanks for sharing that story! Your children are adorable!

Ms. Latina said...

Thank you for such a beautiful post and for letting God use you even in your pain. I also lost three so I understand your pain; however, I was not saved back then which made it so much harder. You are blessed with a wonderful family and most importantly by your faith. Again, thank you for sharing! GBU

the monkey's mama said...

I'm so happy to read your blog and see what an amazing light you are to display God's glory through your trials! Thank you for sharing your struggles and your joys so openly

Our pastor's wife just experienced a stillbirth at 7 months

(http://web.me.com/thebuckfamily/iWeb/The%20Buck%20Family%20Site/Missing%20Addie/4CF24038-FB6D-40DA-8B1F-69D5A3F7FD71.html)

and

another woman in our church experienced one at 20 weeks

(http://mcbabies.com/2009/05/29/may-29-2009/)

Here is my story, too, in case you'd like to read it (http://monkeys-on-the-bed.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-becoming-mother.html)

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry for you. I experienced 3 losses, but none as late as you, which had to be incredibly painful.

lonestar said...

Wow... I am bawling over here. I experienced a mc at 8 weeks, and the feeling of loss was just devastating. That was 5 years ago. I became pg with my youngest son a few months after that, and am so blessed with him as well as my older boys (also twins!). What an amazing experience of coming to understand God's perspective and how He truly does understand the pain and hurt we go through... I knew He is always there for us, but I never thought of it quite like that. Thanks so much for sharing this.

peanut said...

Joye:
I'm not a blogger but my dauther, Summer is (Sublime Happiness). I can see why she loves your blog. You are so uplifting. Your love for God, your beautiful family, your ability to write such uplifting and beautiful poetry. Your interpretation from the bible, I loved it. I cried about your miscarriage as I too had one at 5 1/2 months. Summer would have had a little sister. I still think about it to this day. We wanted many children but were just blessed with one special one. You are truely an amazing person. God Bless you and your family.

Mocha Momma said...

I stopped by from Walking By Faith to check out your blog. This post caught my attention.

I had a miscarriage 23 years ago, but it was not like yours.

You have written about a very difficult time in your life and you've given God the glory. What a beautiful thing to do to help others with their difficult situations.

Thank you for sharing your heart.
Nannette from Life: Be In It

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Joye...I am so sorry it has taken me so long to read of your precious Zaccheus Titus. I may have even made a comment once...not realizing that you had walked this path. If I did, I am so sorry. (I think I wrote something once about how much it blesses me those that choose to walk with others who are grieving. Not realizing you are one who has grieved.) Please forgive me. God certainly gave you the right name. You are an amazing example of joy! Even in great sorrow...you point toward hope in Him. And, it is truly a beautiful gift, sweet friend. I'm so glad I know you. Thank you for sharing this beautiful testimony of Titus' precious life. I'm sorry it took me so long to read it.

Love you...

Erin Lenore Photography said...

I was so touched by this, Joye. One of my best friends recently miscarried as well and is now struggling to conceive. I will be sure to pass this along to her.

~*~ Allison ~*~ said...

Joye,

Thank you for sharing your story.

God has blessed my 'barren' womb with 2 beautiful children. However, I have also had the misfortune of having 2 miscarriages. The most recent one, March 2008, really broke my heart. I wasn't very far along - just a few days, 2 weeks at most. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying.

I like to think that baby was a girl... I've even named her: Kaelin Amal. She would have been due around Christmas. I know God doesn't give us any more than we can handle... but I still feel the loss.

Thank you for being so willing to share your story.

Many blessings,
Allison

chili pepper said...

I can say no more than others have already I am sure...and even if I could it can't match what our Lord has said and done for you... but I praise Him that He brought you this suffering so that He could bless you with the gift of His comfort.

Kat

Nana said...

What a beautiful and amazing story. I know several ladies who have gone through much the same thing and for each one God has not only brought them peace, but also additional blessings.
I hoped over from my Mom's blog(arts chili), and hope you won't mind if I follow.
Nana

Catherine Anne said...

Beautiful story of the peace God gives you and the times he holds us when we can not walk on our own. Im so very sorry for your loss. Allen and I too know the pain of lossing a child. The pain is like nothing you ever knew. But... God he knows this pain and gives us peace. The cross we carry is a gift from him. Your twins are beautiful and what an amazing gift from our Lord. All 4 of your children are beautiful gifts from him. Thank you for sharing your story~ Catherine Anne

Kristin said...

I have lost 6 precious children to miscarriage and have found myself hoping with all faith for a miracle only to go back and find the tiny child still without life. I have prayed, begged and lost hope. I did not go through mine with the grace that you did. I at one point hated and cursed God but he never turned his back on me but continued to love me and pour out on my life. I lost 4 before I had my daughter. She was number 5-the number of Grace. Her name is Grace and God spoke her name to my spirit when I was only 7 weeks pregnant with her. I have gone on to have two more sons and each of them are such blessings and God has shown me so much for each of them. He has even shown me two of the little ones I lost - two little girls so beautiful and full of joy and spunk! I can't wait to see them all. Thank you for sharing your story.

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

Thank you for sharing the heart of Christ so beautifully.

jenni saake
Mommy to 3 miracles here on earth and 3 more awaiting us in Heaven
- author, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss

dawn said...

This was beautiful. i am glad to read your story. I lost my son Aidan 10 years ago. He was born with birth defects and only lived four months. I am starting to tell his story in bits and pieces on my blog. Glad to "meet" you!

PaisleyJade said...

So beautifully written - thankyou for sharing.

I too have lost two babies - one at 10½ weeks and another delivered at 18 weeks.

My eyes filled with tears as I read your story - I love how God spoke to you!!

Meghan, Gary & Sophia H said...

What a beautifully written story of your loss. It brought me to tears. My heart aches for you and your loss. Thank you for sharing it.

Lisa said...

Isn't it amazing how the Lord can take an unfathomably hard experience and turn it into something so beautiful? I've had two miscarriages and can relate to the pain of losing a little one so longed for.

I was blown away by the conversation with God about losing your son, because I've had that very conversation too! I'm so glad that we have a Father that understands us so well!

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

Wow...I just landed on your blog from the Multiples and More site, and I just happened to click on this post. Thank you for sharing your story, and in such a beautiful and powerful way.

When I was pregnant with our twin girls (my first and only pregnancy), I was (and still am) so taken with that experience giving me such a deeper understanding of the sacrifice God made in giving us His Son. I can only say that motherhood allows us to appreciate God's work in a whole new light.

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby, and many blessings!

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